Somewhere I belong

My Masters is drawing to a close and I have been breaking my head over the decision to stay in Germany or go back home. This is not a recent thing, as the question has been bugging me for a long time now. I am sure where I want to be, and a call home just about clears all confusion. But I also think about the occasional extraordinary things I get to do here. Somehow I get into (futile) conversation with people over the matter. I am not someone who takes advice seriously, but I guess it is about listening to others' point of view, which are mostly along these lines:

'Work a few years and then go back'
'Follow your heart'
'Don't follow your heart'
'You are an idiot'
'Life is comfortable here. No late trains. No traffic. You don't need a car.'
'You are abroad with better standard of living. What is not to like?'
'Better work culture here, no working weekends'

I have also been reading about NRI experiences in an effort to find like-minded people. It was heartening to know that it is common to feel the lack of 'sense of belonging' and to miss things back home. The best piece I found on the subject is here, and I don't think I can sum it up better than what she has written.

It is funny how you arrive with stars in your eyes, you are blown away by the beauty of the new place and the well mannered disciplined life, only to then feel that something is missing. Call it culture shock, call it nostalgia, but it is something that has to be fixed. You have to let go of all that is familiar, to adapt to a way of life that is a world of a difference from what you are comfortable with. I have failed at that, blame it on being alone, or on a perfect life before I came here. But I do not understand how Indians here are happy living this dichotomous life, where you spend your life in a foreign country, cooking Indian food everyday (but longing for all the food that you don't get/can't cook), constantly following everything happening in India (from the internet of course), missing family and friends - only to visit them once a year in a hurried affair, and resorting to low quality web streaming in the name of TV and cinema. Basically, living a desi life in phoren.

Why all this sacrifice - for 'higher standard of living' and some extra money, which does not increase your purchasing power a great deal anyway. For me, having clean roads and good public transportation does not mean a higher standard of living. I should be able to visit people I love when I wish, eat anything I want, feel like I belong to a place, where I can make a difference to at least my loved ones if not others, where I feel the warmth. Small things matter, like being able to afford eating out and not missing special occasions and festivals. And I beg to differ, but I so need a car. And anybody complaining of work culture and hectic schedules has obviously not worked in a semiconductor company.

I could stay back a few years, as per my original plan, but I have pushed myself so deep into negativity that staying here longer would be a real grind. I would wake up every morning thinking 'What if..' and 'I wish…'. There is also a fear that things might change and like most people, that plan to return will never materialize. And surely, I cannot and probably, should not catch a flight everytime a close friend is getting married or something. Over the past two years I have done and seen a lot of things I have always dreamt of. Having done that, I want to regain my sense of wonder, my ambition and realize another set of dreams. I know where I will be happy and the pursuit of happiness is most important. Everything else can take a back seat.

Nam

Nam is down with Hepatitis, and in the hospital. And I couldnt feel sadder and more helpless. It is such a shame that someone you care the most for is so far away that you cannot be there for her when she needs it the most. I hope she gets healthy real quick, and maybe the flowers I sent will make her feel better. She has people to take care of her, so I shouldnt worry. But I am my dad's son, and worrying for others comes naturally to me. Now I have to wait for her sms, to know how she is. This so sucks.

I dont know how I got to this point, where someone else's life becomes top priority. When you dream of fulfiling someone else's dreams. When you want to know everything that happens in someone else's day. This cannot be undone, and with my 'attachment problem' , I dont know if I should have controlled these feelings much earlier. Maybe it happened as a result of trying to detach myself from V. And Boom, we have a new problem. Being the stuck-up ass that I am, I cannot commit myself fully to the present life here.

Would it have been much different, if I hadnt got close to her? Would I have been happier? Would I have found a best friend here? These questions will remain unanswered I feel. But its been one year in Munich, and one year since I actually became her friend. And its been an amazing story of bonding, fun and fondness. I think it will be very difficult to maintain this state of our relationship, but whatever happens tomorrow, I will look back at the past year and think of her and smile. She was there when I needed to talk and laugh, and I found someone to care for, to talk to in my head when I didnt want to say a word. All the good times on Skype, in India and hopefully there will be more. I didnt feel the need to look for that special person here. Why would anybody want to, when someone says that you are her bestest friend. I wish I could remain her bestest friend. The distance is a pity, but maybe we wouldnt have been what we are had we been in a position where we would meet everyday. Maybe the charm wouldnt have lasted. Maybe her Gemini fickleness would have taken over by now.

Beats me why I am writing all this, as I had decided that I dont want this to be let out of my head. But I think I could read this , when one day I need to be reminded of how happy I felt having her in my life, or how sad I was when I wanted to be with her, but just could not do anything about it. Because one day when new people become my life, I dont want to forget who brightened my day sometime back and why I had a reason to smile.

Get well soon Nam.